Up until today I thought I’d lived through a really stressful period in my life. Honestly, I really didn’t see how it could get much more stressful then I spent a few years ago.
I’m reminded of “Kill Bill”. “You didn’t think it was going to be that easy did you?”
“Yeah…I really kinda did.”
Two weeks ago when I came to the hospital everday with Daddy and Tatsumi to visit my mom who was on a ventilator, I couldn’t show up without feeling like I was going to throw up. I even did once. I’ve been here all of about 30 hours and I want to turn tail and run like a little kid. I’d say my mom’s dog but at this point I’m fairly certain she has more guts then I have.
Don’t get me wrong. Let’s be positive here. My mom is SO much better then she was. She’s conscious, she’s speaking and off all the lines of meds and the ventilator. She has kidney function and despite a LITTLE bit of crud in her lungs her BIGGEST issues are pain (from laying on her back), a very dry mouth (from the feeding tube and them holding off on allowing her much more then a bit of ice to make sure she doesn’t allow anything to slip back into her lungs until the throat muscles are better, and very very very dry skin and some bed sores we’ll fix. When that feeding tube comes out, when she can drink and eat, when the pain is managable…I’m pretty sure she’s going to be talking and conversing JUST FINE.
But the dry mouth and the pain are eating her alive. Obviously not litterally but it sure feels that way to her right now I’m sure. And there isn’t SHIT I can do about it. Hearing your loved one repreat over and over “hurry” “hurts” “water” and “please” and the most you can do is repeat…”they are coming” or “I can’t let you have anything” hurts just about as much as some of the worst headaches I’ve had.
I’ve cried twice today and I still don’t know what I’m suppose to do tomorrow when she says all that all over again. I didn’t know what was worse yesterday…seeing her on the ventilator or hearing her say “hurry” until the meds made her pass out not sure if she is only saying that cause she’s not all there. Now I don’t know what’s worse, not knowing if she has some mental loss and doesn’t know she’s saying that or knowing for a fact that she’s full aware and in as much need as she’s demanding.
I’m not writing all this to get comments. I’m writing because though I wish and hope none of you ever have to go through this there’s a chance you might and I want you to be prepared and have some idea about what this is like. Hopefully, I’m going to have better tips in a week about how to handle the stress, what to do when they need something you can’t give them, how to not feel like you are falling down on the ones you love who are hurting watching along with you, and how to keep your life going in the process.
For today….all I can do is be proud that I signed up to curves, worked out, helped my Dad, was there for my mom to feed her ice/put lotion on her and help them move her in the bed, got my shit together twice, handled a couple phone calls well, took some pics that Daddy needed and got them to him and didn’t run out on my mom and my dad when it all got too scary to feel like I could deal with.
I have other gremlins running around in my head threatening my sanity and as soon as I find an “Overloard” with a big ass foot I’m gonna kick them really hard and tell em to get their damn pumpkins on and start marching. Till then, I think it’s bed time. I’ll be getting up every few hours to make sure the dog doesn’t poop on the carpet and then getting up at 7 to go workout before I get my dad up to run some errands.
I didn’t manage to write today and I’m sorry about that but maybe I’ll work it in tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll try and tell you about something cool that happened while I was working out that involves Guardians.
Laters. I’m tweeting most things and you can find them at http://www.twitter.com/kimidreams